(no subject)

I was with Isabelle again this weekend, which was normally scheduled this time (booked far ahead; therefore the airfare was cheap). One thing happened that made me feel somewhat ashamed afterwards, for even considering it. At one point, we found the letter from her consultant (specialist, as the more Dutch word would be, i.e. a specialised doctor) which was a tad more certain in saying that "there is just no doubt that her illness is progressing" than what she had been told face to face. Unfortunately that got her into a state, and once again she expressed how she didn't want to have any chemo since she didn't want to end up like a cabbage, seeing how it caused extensive nerve damage and so on. After that, while trying to sleep, I was thinking if I could convince her somehow that it would probably be the only viable option anyway. My thoughts came to emotional blackmail, for lack of better ideas. I know perfectly well that such a method doesn't work, and even if it seems to work, it has destroyed all trust there was. Nevertheless I though of it, and probably the only threat I could think of was to threaten to break up with her. That was a really shocking thought; it would be the atomic bomb of all possible threats, and it alone would devastate her. As I said, I wasn't proud of the thought, and I'll never do anything like it, but I shocked myself by even thinking it...

(filtered away from Isabelle)(now public)

(no subject)

I was with Isabelle again this weekend, which was normally scheduled this time (booked far ahead; therefore the airfare was cheap). One thing happened that made me feel somewhat ashamed afterwards, for even considering it. At one point, we found the letter from her consultant (specialist, as the more Dutch word would be, i.e. a specialised doctor) which was a tad more certain in saying that "there is just no doubt that her illness is progressing" than what she had been told face to face. Unfortunately that got her into a state, and once again she expressed how she didn't want to have any chemo since she didn't want to end up like a cabbage, seeing how it caused extensive nerve damage and so on. After that, while trying to sleep, I was thinking if I could convince her somehow that it would probably be the only viable option anyway. My thoughts came to emotional blackmail, for lack of better ideas. I know perfectly well that such a method doesn't work, and even if it seems to work, it has destroyed all trust there was. Nevertheless I though of it, and probably the only threat I could think of was to threaten to break up with her. That was a really shocking thought; it would be the atomic bomb of all possible threats, and it alone would devastate her. As I said, I wasn't proud of the thought, and I'll never do anything like it, but I shocked myself by even thinking it...

(filtered away from Isabelle)(now public)