Sweetie peace

[rhialto]

This entry is public as a memory for Isabelle (babounet on lj).
This morning I was woken up early by the phone but  could not get to it soon enough. I had to find the voice mail number and wade through some messages to find that it was indeed, as I feared, the hospital, and they said to call back urgently. The Critical Care nurse I spoke to told me she had a turn for the worse in the night, her oxygen levels were dropping, and they had tried to use the blood filtering machine but it didn't work well enough. I went there as soon as I could, only making some sandwiches. Her lodger Jason gave me a lift in his car and Satchel (his boyfriend; they are marrying next week) came with me inside. She was sort of asleep, like yesterday with the morphine - her eyes not quite closed. When the doctors came around they took us to a side room, with a big delegation. They explained that her organs were not working well enough, even after trying to kickstart them with allopurinol and steroids, and that they were shutting down. That sort of conveyed the message that it was very very bad and getting worse. They didn't even expect her to wake up, and thought it would be a couple of hours, not more.

I went to sit with her and hold her hand, stroke her head, and kiss her forehead. I also whispered into her ear how much I love her, that she is my little cute sweetie pea, that I will always love her and that I know she loves me. I think she squeezed my hand twice on one occasion, but it was very weak and she gave no other sign of consciousness, even though I was looking for it all the time. I so hope it means that she could hear me.

On the heart and breathing monitor her pulse and breathing went down over a couple of hours. While 120 is much too fast normally, I didn't  take it as a good sign. In the end, it was  difficult to see when she had really stopped breathing, but it was about 12.45 that it was definitely over. She had passed away.

She was so peaceful, my little cute sweetie pea. Now she is in sweetie peace. No more horrible chemo and its side effects for my love. It is what she wanted (although she would have liked some nicer surroundings). I wish she would have woken up one more time to say goodbye properly - even though I couldn't speak properly because I would be crying.

Comments

[moem]

I have no words. Just a *hug*.

Peace to you too, my friend.

[mistdog.livejournal.com]

That's so sad. My thoughts are with you. She and you didn't deserve this.

She probably could hear you. Hearing develops long before any of the other senses and it is often the last to go, long after the others, from what I've read.

If there's anything I can do to help you, now or ever, you know you have only to ask. *hugs*

[darkfloweruk.livejournal.com]

Olaf, I'm so sorry.

I am fortunate to have known Isabelle; to have hugged her, and seen her smile. I will think of her sitting with you at BiCon, both of you grinning happily away.

Please be good to yourself.

[nyecamden.livejournal.com]

I'm terribly sorry to hear this. My thoguhts are with you.

[ludy]

i am so very sorry.
Thinking of you

[bondagewoodelf.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry...

[wriggler.livejournal.com]

Peace.

[meirion.livejournal.com]

I'm so very sorry. Take care of yourself.

[(Anonymous)]

Rest in peace, Isabelle. I am sure you are in a better place now.

thoughts

[(Anonymous)]

we are all of us with you Olaf, and our deep thoughts from the heart go to you.

Sorry...

[(Anonymous)]

I'd only known isabelle for 8 months, but looked at her as a good friend who fought in what she believed in. She was happy, and I felt that I could speak to her about anything. Her passing was so sudden, and has been a great shock to me and my partner. On many occasions sitting in the living room just chatting til the wee hours with her, she said to me on numerious occasions how lucky she was to have Olaf as a perfect partner. Speaking very affectionatly about him, she was so genuienly happy and excited to see him when he was due to arrive.
Our thoughts are with you Olaf at this very difficult sad time.
Jason xx

Isabelle

[(Anonymous)]

Thank you, Olaf, for being with Isabelle through such a sad time. She was a friend and fellow-adventurer on the tantric path. She had wonderful courage and imagination, and all of us at Tantra Laboratory who journeyed with her will remember the times that our lives touched with pleasure. She was a unique flame, an inspiration.
At the moment, my response is all too coloured by such a sense of the hole that her death must leave in all the communities she connected with.

I will always remember her in the Circle at Hazel Hill wood, or sitting outside on the porch of the Oak House in the dark of the evening, and in our groups at the Field of Dreams in Cornwall. My love to all friends who feel the loss of her light in the world.

xxx

Robert tantra@ntlworld.com

Peacefully...

[(Anonymous)]

Dearest Olaf... Your company was the greatest comfort that Isabelle could have during her last moments. She left so peacefully, with you by her side. Thank you for allowing me to stay with you during her departure from this world. I had the privilege of witnessing your immense love for her. I think her peaceful and struggle-less departure was her best goodbye, showing us that she's no longer suffering and in pain. Her face never failed to light up with joy whenever she mentioned you. I will always remember her sense of humour, laughter, generosity and caring & thoughtful nature. Please take good care of yourself Olaf. Love, Satchel. xoxoxo

[x-mass.livejournal.com]

oh god

I'm not going to be able to react to this for a quite while.

I just sort of assumed that I'd be seeing the two of you at the next event and

I'm sorry I cant put emotions into words

if you need people to be with just ask, not just now but when ever, the Netherlands is really close I can fly or drive over and i have the freedom to be around as much as you might want

I wish these hugs weren't in just in text

kate

[baratron.livejournal.com]

I'm really sorry. I had no idea she was seriously ill again. This all seems to have been very fast, but I suppose you both knew that the cancer had returned in September. I hope that the past few months have been mostly good for you.

I never know what to say in comments like this - I can't possibly know what you're going through. So instead, I will quote a post I read years ago on alt.polyamory that sums it up better than I could:

From: Xiphias Gladius (ian@io.com) (xiphias)
Newsgroups: alt.polyamory
Date: 2001-04-22 18:29:17 PST

I like the Jewish rules of what you do when you visit a house of mourning.

You go in to the house, leave food in the kitchen (because you can't expect a mourner to do things like feed themselves -- they're in mourning), you go into the room they're in, you sit on the floor with them, and you shut up.

If the mourner wants to talk, you listen. If you mourner seems to want you to respond, you respond. If the mourner wants to pretend that everything is all exactly normal and wants to have a normal conversation, you have a normal conversation.

But basically, you sit there in the dark on the floor with all the mirrors covered and you shut up.

And I like the traditional Jewish greeting to mourners. It's the only
not-completely-stupid-and-insulting thing to say in that situation that I've ever heard.

"May you be comforted."

Well, the full version is more like "May you be comforted among the mourners of Israel," but the short version works in more situations.

You don't try to say that it's not that bad. You don't try to say that it *is* that bad. You don't tell them that things will get better. You don't tell them that you understand what they're going through.

Because it may be that bad, or it may not. Things may get better, or they may not. And, no matter what, you *never* understand what they're going through, even if you've gone through it yourself, because you're different people.

Anger and sadness are every bit as valuable as happiness.

- Ian

I'm sorry for your loss. May you be comforted.

[nitoda]

SO sorry for your great loss. May you be comforted. ::hugs:: offered

[suddenlynaked.livejournal.com]

Our condolences from Seattle...

[siouxiequeue.livejournal.com]

Oh, Olaf - I'm so sorry that you lost your beautiful Isabelle so quickly - and am so glad that you had her, even for a short time. - our thoughts are with you, take care of yourself!

so sad

[afrika3.livejournal.com]

O dearest Olaf!
It's just now that I read your terribly sad message (I had a back surgery and was not on internet for a week). I am crying behind the computer.... I had been so glad for you and Isabelle that you two had found each other and were so visibly happy together and I had so much wished you both a longer happy life together. I admired your loving, never-ending dedication during her illness. I knew that she had to be treated again last year but I had no idea that it went down so fast.
My warm hugs for you, and my wish that you

Re: so sad

[afrika3.livejournal.com]

sorry, previuos message inserted too quickly. what can I wish for you? being comforted by the idea that she has peace finally, and that you have done everything and more for her. be proud with the happy memories of your love. Dearest Olaf, I put my arms around you, stroke your soft long hair and weep with you together. This not what you and she deserved....

[http://users.livejournal.com/puzzle_/]

I just heard the news from another journal. I'm so very sorry :(

I only met Isabelle once at the tantra workshop at BiCon last year. She had a very soft comforting presence, so the news of her passing was quite a shock.

I hope you are able to get support and comfort for those around you in the time to come.

[rhialto.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Btw, which journal was that?

[http://users.livejournal.com/puzzle_/]

nitoda's

[elfgeek.livejournal.com]

Very sad to hear, I'm trying to remember her from BiCon. So sorry about your loss. :-(

[a-musing-amazon.livejournal.com]

Olaf. My thoughts are with you at this awful time ::hugs::
Isabelle was a lovely person and will always stay so in our memories.

...

[(Anonymous)]

What a shock this morning when I heard about this. I have lived in Isabelle's house for almost 2 years and despite that we were very different personalities she did touch my heart as well. I have found it very difficult to see her struggle with her illness and therefore Olaf I respect you so much for your strength and the way you have supported Isabelle during all of this. Isabelle told me on several occasions that she really respected you for just being there and I’m sure she has told you that as well.
Olaf, ik wil je graag heel veel sterkte toewensen in de komende tijd met veel steun van vrienden en familie.
X Liesbeth